Poor blog, so neglected. I'm really going to try and get better at this, definitely need to for the sake of my mental health. :)

My mind has been racing with thoughts for about the last month. Life's normal stress and anxiety seemed to kind of pile on me, and life left no free time to dig out of the pile. And then I got a phone call telling me that my brother, Joshua, had been found dead. Losing someone you love has a way of putting everything into perspective. The week of the funeral seemed to go in slow-motion; even memories from that week are in slow-motion. And my dear friends who supported me that week.......words will never begin to explain how grateful I am.

All the perspective and slow-motion pushed my inner monologue into overdrive. Being in my head so much allowed me to start working through my grief, but it also has helped me change the way I see people. I tend to see people through my expectations of them, rather than who they really are. And that has worked out pretty well for some people, because my expectations gave them way too much credit. Then other people, who I held unnaturally high expectations for, constantly let me down. No more! My expectations will no longer control how I see people. You are who you are. Period.

So, fair warning to all: I am attempting to rejoin normal society! I still find myself in my head way too much, but I figure just jumping back in be easier in the long run. Yes, I am still that same girl, but my outlook is different and I will not falling back into my normal routines. <3

Memories......

So, I was cleaning my room the other day (shocking, I know) and came across some great stuff. Probably the funniest thing was my diary that I used during high school. Oh wow! I read over it and just laughed......sometimes a bit embarrassed. I know that all of us have changed over the years, but I can't believe I was really that cheesey! I cringed reading some parts! It was a fun stroll down memory lane..........crushes......fights with friends.........family drama.......boys, boys, and more boys............

It got me thinking about that thing your parents tell you when you're a teenager, that "these are the best years of your life" thing. I completely disagree with it, but I will admit that I miss some things and some people. Ten years ago, I could list at least 10 things that I would do differently if I could. Older now (and perhaps a little wiser), I honestly would only change my reactions to things.

Well, hello there!

So, I kinda forgot I had this blog! I really want to keep this thing up, so hopefully I will get better!

One thing that is on my heart today is all the things we put off until tomorrow. All those things that we talk about with that one day mentality. I'm really tired of putting things off. And we're not supposed to! The Bible says that no one knows when the Lord will return and that we are to be working for God's kingdom now, while there's still time. Switchfoot has been in my head: "This is your life. Are you who you wanna be?". I don't know about you, but I'm not very close to who I want to be, if I'm really honest with myself.

F.Y.I........

People are fake. It's sad, but very true. The majority of people are only looking out for themselves and will do whatever they think is best for them, no matter what that does to others. I don't live that way. I refuse to use other people as stepping stones to get what I want. That's not how I was raised, it's not right, and it is not how God wants me to live. Everyone else, go right ahead and use everybody else to make yourselves happy. It won't work in the long run.

And just so it's clear, I know who my real friends are. I know exactly who will be by my side when things fall apart and when things are falling together. I know who is fake and I know who is tried and true. I can only take so much without saying something. Just grow up and get over yourselves!

Thoughts

"How do you know whether it is time to continue fighting & holding on to something, or whether it is time to let go?"

I've had some trouble lately as far as what to blog about. My days, while definitely not boring, just don't seem "blog-worthy". :) So, I decided to try a "thought-of-the-day" thing on-line and the above is one of the questions. I can relate to it, a lot. So, here it goes!

This question is in regards to relationships/friendships. First, I have to admit that I enjoy fighting and I am a very stubborn person. My initial reaction to situations like this is fight to the death. You don't give up and you never let go! When I was younger (and prior to several broken hearts), that's how I lived. It's easy to look back and toss that fearless attitude out, blaming it on being young and stupid, but I do miss it sometimes!

I have known some amazing people in my life. Some remain in my life and some don't. I have fought and lost; I have fought and won; I have fought and walked away. I think that I am probably more likely to fight because I struggle with some abandonment issues. I joke about it often, but my parents' divorce has left scars.

A few months ago I reached a point in a relationship that was new for me. It hurt to fight. It hurt to talk. It just hurt. I'm sure this has happened to everyone, but it was a first for me. I'm sure that there was a time earlier on when walking away from it would have been less painful, but I did not see the signs. And I'm sure the signs where there, but I probably just ignored them (I have issues!). Relationships/friendships should be beneficial to both people. Healthy relationships have to be two-sided. And if some fighting needs to be done to make it work, both people should be fighting. I can't fight for it alone.

Just my basic thoughts on the subject.

So.........

In a weird mood. That's pretty normal for me though. I guess being in a "normal" mood would be really weird for me! Kinda feel like I need a change in my life........not sure what, but I'm bored! Need a change!

"We both know you have to walk away,
But God knows I'm gonna love you anyway.
The lights turn red and the lights turn green;
The sun comes up and shines on everything,
Every day... Every day.
And I still don't know what to do about the way I feel about you.
Some things ain't ever gonna change........."

When I fall......

I walk along, alone every day.
I don't fit anywhere, I've changed in some way.
I'm tired of trying to not be alone;
Tired of trying to just be with someone.
At the end of the day, I just want to give in.
Let the darkness overtake me again.

Sometimes I do, sometimes I just fall;
Into a dark and empty place,
Where no one hears me call.
My mind drifts away as I lose all control.
And that's when I find you, I find you when I fall.

I run sometimes from everyone who cares.
I run as fast as I can and I get no where.
I ran to be alone, but I don't want to be.
You look in me, stay near me.
Just when I want to quit the fight,
You wrap your arms around me so tight.

Sometimes I do, sometimes I just fall;
Into a dark and empty place,
Where no one hears me call.
My mind drifts away as I lose all control.
And that's when I find you, I find you when I fall.

I'll never understand why I fight to be strong.
Scared to need you. Scared to love you.
But, I just need to let go...........