F.Y.I........

People are fake. It's sad, but very true. The majority of people are only looking out for themselves and will do whatever they think is best for them, no matter what that does to others. I don't live that way. I refuse to use other people as stepping stones to get what I want. That's not how I was raised, it's not right, and it is not how God wants me to live. Everyone else, go right ahead and use everybody else to make yourselves happy. It won't work in the long run.

And just so it's clear, I know who my real friends are. I know exactly who will be by my side when things fall apart and when things are falling together. I know who is fake and I know who is tried and true. I can only take so much without saying something. Just grow up and get over yourselves!

Thoughts

"How do you know whether it is time to continue fighting & holding on to something, or whether it is time to let go?"

I've had some trouble lately as far as what to blog about. My days, while definitely not boring, just don't seem "blog-worthy". :) So, I decided to try a "thought-of-the-day" thing on-line and the above is one of the questions. I can relate to it, a lot. So, here it goes!

This question is in regards to relationships/friendships. First, I have to admit that I enjoy fighting and I am a very stubborn person. My initial reaction to situations like this is fight to the death. You don't give up and you never let go! When I was younger (and prior to several broken hearts), that's how I lived. It's easy to look back and toss that fearless attitude out, blaming it on being young and stupid, but I do miss it sometimes!

I have known some amazing people in my life. Some remain in my life and some don't. I have fought and lost; I have fought and won; I have fought and walked away. I think that I am probably more likely to fight because I struggle with some abandonment issues. I joke about it often, but my parents' divorce has left scars.

A few months ago I reached a point in a relationship that was new for me. It hurt to fight. It hurt to talk. It just hurt. I'm sure this has happened to everyone, but it was a first for me. I'm sure that there was a time earlier on when walking away from it would have been less painful, but I did not see the signs. And I'm sure the signs where there, but I probably just ignored them (I have issues!). Relationships/friendships should be beneficial to both people. Healthy relationships have to be two-sided. And if some fighting needs to be done to make it work, both people should be fighting. I can't fight for it alone.

Just my basic thoughts on the subject.

So.........

In a weird mood. That's pretty normal for me though. I guess being in a "normal" mood would be really weird for me! Kinda feel like I need a change in my life........not sure what, but I'm bored! Need a change!

"We both know you have to walk away,
But God knows I'm gonna love you anyway.
The lights turn red and the lights turn green;
The sun comes up and shines on everything,
Every day... Every day.
And I still don't know what to do about the way I feel about you.
Some things ain't ever gonna change........."

When I fall......

I walk along, alone every day.
I don't fit anywhere, I've changed in some way.
I'm tired of trying to not be alone;
Tired of trying to just be with someone.
At the end of the day, I just want to give in.
Let the darkness overtake me again.

Sometimes I do, sometimes I just fall;
Into a dark and empty place,
Where no one hears me call.
My mind drifts away as I lose all control.
And that's when I find you, I find you when I fall.

I run sometimes from everyone who cares.
I run as fast as I can and I get no where.
I ran to be alone, but I don't want to be.
You look in me, stay near me.
Just when I want to quit the fight,
You wrap your arms around me so tight.

Sometimes I do, sometimes I just fall;
Into a dark and empty place,
Where no one hears me call.
My mind drifts away as I lose all control.
And that's when I find you, I find you when I fall.

I'll never understand why I fight to be strong.
Scared to need you. Scared to love you.
But, I just need to let go...........

Time to listen up......

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and you know that the whole time you're talking, the other person is not listening at all and probably just trying to figure out what to say next? I've been there, a lot, and I've probably also been the other person as well. What about giving the answer of "Fine" when you're asked how you've been because you know the person asking doesn't want to hear the truth? Been there, done that.

Some people are just gifted listeners. I can be a good listener, but my ability is based on my mood and that's really hard for me to control. God has blessed me with several gifted listeners in my life. My mom is probably the best listener I have; even over the phone, she is completely involved in our conversations and it's awesome. I call her to talk about all kinds of stuff. I rehearse conversations with my momma! I know she'll be honest with me and give me good feedback. And she actually thinks about our conversations after we have ended them and calls with or texts other thoughts she has on the subject. Mom isn't the only gifted listener I know........I have a few more in my life and I am very thankful!

Have you ever noticed that it doesn't matter how many people are listening to you if one certain person isn't HEARING what you're saying? I tell my kids at the center to "turn your ears on" whenever I need their attention. It works great. Makes me wonder......should I start telling adults the same thing? Would it work? Because I really need you to hear me, to really hear me! Are you ready to listen?

Does God care about me?

Day 2 of VBS is complete! And tonight we learned about how much God cares for us. There are daily devotions that those of us leading VBS were asked to read each day. This morning, the devotion asked the question, "Does God care about me?". The author then said that it seemed like a silly question and that we all know the answer, but sometimes it's comforting to hear it again! Like, when I asked Caleb, Lilly, or Kaytlin if they love me; I know the answer, but it's really great to hear them say it!

I know without a doubt that God cares for me. He loves me so much, loves me enough to send His Son to die to pay my sin debt. But sometimes, it's really nice to be reminded of how God cares. I get so wrapped up in my life not going the way I want it to go, that I forget He has a perfect plan for my life. So, I don't have to worry! I don't have to adjust "the plan"; God has got that completely covered! What a relief!

Who Am I?

Well, this is Vacation Bible School week and I'm working with the 3yr old class. Tonight we learned about who we are in God's eyes. I could not help but smile as I sat and watched my class repeat, "I am wonderfully made". My class also learned that we were God's favorite of all creation.

Why is it that we don't dwell in the fact that we are the crown of God's creation? His work was not complete until He created us! And He created us just as we are!

Instead of seeing His beautiful creation, we see ears that stick out too far, hips that are too wide, a stomach that is not thin enough, a nose that's too big, hair that's too straight, etc. I am very tired of seeing myself the way the world sees me. I want to see myself and others through God's eyes.

One of those days.....

Today has been, well, not wonderful. Nothing happened that will make an eternal difference, but it has just been a rough day. I know that nothing can happen to me outside of God's plan, but I have felt very lost today.

My grandma was an amazing woman who taught me so much. And today I could hear her voice kind of singing one of her little lessons, "Feelings come and feelings go and feelings are deceiving.". Told you she was amazing. Very profound truth that is easily memorized.

So, I might be feeling lost and like my world is spinning too fast for me, but these are just feelings. Feelings hurt and injure me, but only if I give in. And if I was relying on my strength, I would have given in from the beginning. But, I'm relying on Christ's strength and His strength is perfect. His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in weakness.

There is a difference between wanting something and being obsessed with it. If something crosses your mind once or twice a day and you think, "It would be nice to have that", I don't think you've reached the obsession point. But, when you spend more than a couple thoughts on that something, and plan out ways to get that something each day, you are obsessed!



I struggle with being obsessed, daily! And the object of my obsession changes all the time. My obsession should be Christ, but I have to fight for that every minute, battling against my own nature. The way my obsession jumps from one thing to another drives me crazy! My mind is like an iPod that is constantly set on shuffle!

Okay, so the problem has been identified. How do I fix it? I don't. I can't on my own. But, I can daily (hourly, minutely, or whenever needed) submit to the Lord. Laying my problems at His feet and re-focusing my mind on Him; nothing else will do. It blows my mind that I even have the right to call on His name, let alone depend on Him for everything. Christ died and rose again to allow me that privilege. He took my place, paid for my sins, and bridged the gap between me and the Father! Hallelujah!

A Song for Kevin :)

:) :) :)
I know it's a country song, but you'll get over it!

"He scared me....."

Lilly is staying with me again tonight! After we read our book, Lilly asked to watch "Beauty and the Beast" in my room. She usually watches a movie until she falls asleep and "Beauty and the Beast" is one of her favorites. I got her settled and turned on the movie. About 20 minutes later, she came walking down the hall and said, "Sarah, I need to tell you something,"she sniffled a little and continued, "he scared me". And then she was all out crying! Poor thing! Apparently, the Beast was more scary than usual. So, Lilly ended up falling asleep on Aunt Sarah.

Let me tell you how awesome it felt to be the one that Lilly needed; I saved her from the scary beast! Now, I'm sure that if I was a full-time parent and had to deal with "scary" things every night, I would've been annoyed by this. But, since I don't have kids every night, I loved it.

And now, I'm thinking (dangerous, I know). How often do I deprive God of this joy? How many times do I turn somewhere else when I'm scared? We are told to come to the Lord like a child and I fail at that so many times. Lilly was scared, by the Beast, but not scared to come to me and tell me that she was scared. Why do I feel like I have to try and deal with what scares me instead of just going to God and saying, "I'm scared" ?

The last few days.......

WARNING: The following post is about what has happened in my world the last few days and my emotional response to it all. It is not coherent. It may not make sense. Sorry!


Since Wednesday night I have had kids at my place. Caleb and Lilly have been staying with me due to the arrival of Dylan Christopher. Kaytlin has stayed over a few nights because she wanted to join the fun. I love having the kids! And, bonus, I got to drive the mini-van! Woooohooooo! I have been living the dream!



Dylan Christopher..........just a beautiful baby boy! Getting to share his birth with Crystal, David, the families and other friends was truly a blessing. Caleb is a very proud big brother and Lilly adores her little brother.

I have gotten a lot less sleep than my normal, partly because of the kids and partly because my mind has been racing. You know that horrible point when your mind jumps from one subject to the next and never shuts off---that's where I've been. And of course, all of the subjects my mind keeps hopping around are things I can do nothing about.

Other than that, I just want to say that I am making some major changes in my life. Some people will not like the changes, some will, and I'm sure that some people will not notice. But, I'm not making the changes for others, this is for me.

<3

"On the Night You Were Born"

I have this routine when Caleb and/or Lilly spend the night at my place. Before bed, I read them the same book each night, 'On the Night You Were Born'. I love the book and Lilly has parts of it memorized, which makes it all the more amazing! Tonight, reading the book was even more special, since we are all waiting for Dylan Christopher to be born.

Here's my favorite part:

"For never before in story or rhyme (not even once upon a time) has the world ever known a you, my friend, and it never will, not ever again...
Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn on the wonderful, marvelous night you were born."

Lilly's favorite part is when it talks about the lady bugs that land and decide to stay, of course!

And tonight, as Lilly sleeps, I am reminded of how blessed I am to have several special children in my life. I have plenty of kids to love at the center, but there are three that I get to be really involved in their lives. Caleb (aka "Booger") is five years old. He is so smart and funny, and it's really hard to believe he's going to kindergarten in August. I know it will break my heart when he becomes too cool for hugs and kisses! Caleb's little sister, Lilly (aka "Lilly-Bug"), will be 3 years old in July. I was worried that I wouldn't be as close to her as I am with Caleb because I didn't get to keep her as an infant. I kept Caleb until he was almost two while Crystal worked and I loved every minute of it. When Lilly came along, I was working day-shift at the center and couldn't keep her. She started at my center around 7 months and I snuck in her room on every break I could get! The closeness has not been hurt! And last, but not least, is Kaytlin (aka "Short-Stuff") who is 3 years old. Kaytlin started at my center in the toddler room. I baby-sat for her a few times and I've become very close friends with her parents. Kaytlin and Lilly are BFFs! And it's pretty adorable!

And now I'm waiting for this new little bundle, Dylan Christopher! Just so very thankful that God has blessed my world with these special little people (and that they have parents who allow me to be in their lives)! Love you all!!!

The Waiting Room

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I really dislike waiting rooms. I have a lot of patience when it comes to working with children, but I have very little when it comes to waiting. I don't like to stand in lines, get stuck at traffic lights, wait for people who are late, wait for a machine at the gym, or sit in a waiting room. Weird, huh? I mean, I really don't have an abundance of free time and it really bothers me to "waste" my time waiting!

Recently, in my small-group study, we talked about our dislike of waiting. I was relieved to learn that it was not just me. We talked a lot about how we spend our time and that we all need to have some time to just be still. Being still allows us to focus on the Lord and to listen for His voice, to let Him show us where He is working and how He is moving. We miss all this by simply surviving through our lives. I am so guilty of not being still. We were challenaged to use those times of waiting to practice being still. And I have been! I do need much more practice, but I have actually enjoyed standing in line at the store lately!

God gives us different types of waiting periods in our lives. Several of my friends are in waiting periods right now. Some are waiting for jobs. Some are waiting for a baby to be born (a baby who is currently 5 days past his due date!). Some are trying to have babies. Some are waiting to move. Some are waiting to heal. Some are waiting on another person. Some are just waiting for direction. And I'm in a waiting room as well. It's frustrating and I just want to be done waiting. If I had a remote control that could fast-forward through this, I would be very tempted to use it (even after seeing "Click"). This is not my first waiting room and I'm sure it won't be my last. Looking back, I have learned some important lessons in waiting rooms, lessons I could not have learned elsewhere. I was reminded of some of those waiting rooms tonight when I came across this song. I can remember the first time I heard it. I was in a period of waiting that I thought would NEVER end! This song just encouraged me and through it, God provided an amazing peace.

Friends, believe or not, this waiting room is from God and it is a good time that is serving His purpose!

I miss real conversations. I am not saying that I don't have real conversations, but I think that technology has gotten in the way of them. Text messages, e-mails, voicemails, FB chat, FB wall post, even phone calls.............not real conversations. I miss sitting with a friend at a park or restaurant and talking about life, catching up on what you've missed since you last saw each other. I just miss that personal contact. And, this might sound weird, but I miss hand-written letters! Hand-written letters are probably the next best thing to face-to-face conversations.

There is this conversation that I know I need to have with someone, but it needs to be in person and that is just not an option. So, does this mean I wait to have the conversation? Or have the conversation in another form? My immediate response is to just not have the conversation, but it becomes more obvious to me everyday that things must be said. Ugh! I guess that a phone call would be the next best thing, but I'm really not that good on the phone. I don't think things through on the phone, I just say whatever comes to mind. I like the thought of writing a letter, but letters are one-sided and I would probably be waiting a lifetime for a response.

I think that the real problem is that I don't want to have this conversation at all. But, I know I have to do it. Preparing to have this conversation must be proceeded with lots of prayer!

Jen made me do it!!!

Well, I'm not sure how this blog-thing goes. Jen and I were talking about her blog and various other blogs, and she decided I should do one as well. So, here it goes!

Amazingly enough, I got to go to church today even though it's my weekend to work. I love my church! I am reminded of that more and more these days. I am so thankful for a pastor and elders who stand on the Word! And for a church that is committed to reaching people in our neighborhood and all around the world!

So, this morning in church, God convicted me of a few things. At the heart of these convictions is the fact that I do not keep my eyes on Him as I should. Taking my eyes off of Jesus results in a bad attitude, a numbness to other people, a loss of purpose, and just a general dissatisfaction with my life. There are things in my life that I would like to change; things I desire; things I want to accomplish. And these are not "bad" things, but desiring these things more than I desire God and His will for my life, that makes it sin. If I am completely honest with myself, I know that God's way is the way I want to do things. I am just not a very patient person and I hate leaving things out of my own hands. But in reality, I have no control over all this stuff! None!

I can remember being a little girl and doing different things that made my parents laugh. Like wearing my dad's softball shoes, my mom's nightgown, and a plastic bowl on my head, pretending to go to work. I am pretty certain that God watches me and laughs on a regular basis. Not in a mean way, but in the same way my parents did. He's laughing and thinking, "She has so much more to learn". And I do! Wow, do I ever! I know it will take a lot of time for each lesson too, because for some reason I insist on learning the same lessons over and over again. Guess I am just stubborn that way!